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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 103
The Mafia Gazette Issue 103 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 28th July 'THE CONCEPTUALISTS: RIP ' By John Milton Yesterday afternoon, this reporter received an invite to a private function at a secluded old house, somewhere in the hills just outside the New York City limits. Upon arrival I was ushered to the back garden by a Bodyguard, at which point I realised just who my hosts were. In the garden, shielded from the view of the general public, laughing and chatting in small groups stood the notorious New York outfit known as The Conceptualists, with certain friends of the Family also present. I was greeted warmly by on Mr Jimmeh who brought over a glass and shook my hand. When I asked about the occasion we were celebrating Jimmeh smiled, and said “all in good time John”. On the way towards the rest of the group I noticed a large hole had recently been dug into the ground down by the end of the garden. Over the course of the evening it soon became apparent that there was a sense of nervous nostalgia running throughout the group, something was indeed happening and everyone seemed a little distracted when making small talk. At around 7.30 Jimmeh disappeared and quickly returned with a large suitcase, at which point everyone seemed to finish their conversations and turn towards the man. What follows is an excerpt from Jim’s address; “Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls. I’m guessing everyone – apart from John over there – knows why we’re here today. Last year some dearly departed friends and family by the names of Oblivion, Saint Jimmeh and Grave Despair formed our little group with the intention of taking this fine city, and moving the country in the way we wanted it to be. Well we managed that, we held the city, and we had some great times along the way. I look around and I see bloodlines that have given everything they could to serve our cause. I see many sons of the great hell raisers back in the day, I see the sons of our founders here, and I see bloodlines of associates or friends who have stood by us through thick and thin. I’ve called you all here today to announce that The Conceptualists are now hanging up their boots indefinitely. The times are changing, and we have to accept that, roll with it and change with the rest of our society. So we’ve brought you all here today to enjoy a sunny evening at our good friend Al Neri’s house and say goodbye to an era that will not be forgotten for some time, if ever. Tonight we celebrate our achievements, and wave goodbye to The Conceptualist order with fond memories…” …What followed was a recap of some of the highlights in Conceptual history, and this reporter can verify it made terrifying listening. Grave Despair’s almost single handed destruction of Hoffa Industries – The act that started it all. The 400 Million Bank of Denver heist carried out by one time Boss, Lee Harvey. The many wars with other high profile organisations in the West. The reign of Terror carried out by Made Woman Rosario Porello in New York. The similarly scary body count of one-time Conceptual Boss Karma across the country. The capture of the lucrative and ever sought after Slot Machine Contracts secured by Carmine Milano. Mr Clientele’s now infamous ‘One Shot Gun’. The Made Man death quotas that shocked the Nation. The list went on and on. At the end of the speech, Jim opened up the suitcase to reveal it was empty, he placed a gun inside and stepped aside, at which point every man present, from Conceptual bloodlines walked up to the suitcase and handed in something – a gun, a picture of a prominent ancestral member, a photograph, a heirloom, anything that reminded them of the good old days. The friends then obliged with similar donations, Neri, Aphex, a member of the Tanzini bloodline, Mr Hammer, they all gave up a trinket or keepsake for the pot. Once everyone had been, I was handed a batch of newspaper front pages to donate myself, documenting the numerous acts carried out by the group, I duly placed these in the suitcase. The case was closed and dropped in the grave, many of the members helped in burying what was their history and that of their Fathers. On the tombstone placed at the head of the grave, the names of each Conceptualist were etched; Rob - Grave Despair – St Jimmeh - Hawkery – Billy Bathtub – Rabbit The Viking - Jacki Giamatti – Oblivion - Semyon - Brown_Eyes - Giovanni Ricci - Tom Tanzini – RTL - Fcuk – The Wrench - Tarby - Polio - Shoopy – Anti Noodle – Jazz Mouse - Pazzesco - Unknown - Eluuu - Karma – Under Boss – Jesus The Gangster - Sharphat – Woota – Vitors - Romulus After this, the evening descended into a night of drinks, dancing and general merriment, with just a touch of sadness emanating from the group. The evening signalled the end for what has to be the most controversial organisation of our time. I was invited so that this could be documented and relayed to you, our loyal readers, not to mention enjoy a drink or two. Doubtless there will be scepticism from certain corners over whether this truly is the end of New York’s Conceptualist order, but all prominent members have sworn a pact to retire their positions indefinitely, as it was felt that the time had simply come for change. The most obvious question now is; ‘what is the status in New York?’ A figure present during the evening, when asked this question replied simply with ‘Watch this space Compadre’. The Gazette will, as ever, follow the story and keep you informed. 'TANZINI LEADER KILLED IN CHICAGO SHOOTOUT ' By Sydney Blake Saint_Thomas was killed shortly after midnight on Tuesday morning. The attacks started right after midnight and ended at 12:21 am in Chicago. The amount of attackers is unknown at this time but police suspect it to be definitely more than one. Saint_Thomas had just escaped from a run in with the godfather and his baseball team and was badly wounded when the attacks started. VitoDaGawd was overheard at the funeral claiming responsibility for the death. The death was clearly a result of personal matters between Neu Mafia Order and The Tanzini’s. Although the personal reasons behind it are unclear one thing that is clear is that another war could possibly be fueling in our community. The Tanzini’s have been a well respected and loved family in our community and many showed at the funeral to pay their respects for one of Tanzini’s most respected descendants. Many left tear wrenching good byes and expressed deep sympathy for the family. The hearts of the community go out to Saint_Thomas’s new bride Puck Rumors are also circulating that along with NMO, ASDA could have possibly had a hand in the death of Saint_Thomas but the police have made no formal statement about this matter. 'DENVER CAPO GETS DEATH PENALTY ' By John Milton Denver Capo, W1tchy, was executed by authorities today, after a string of allegations regarding identity theft and fraud. In the landmark case, thought to be the first of its kind to successfully prosecute such a high-ranking Mafiosi, W1tchy continuously denied the charges, despite the inarguable evidence against her. It is thought that even as she sat in the electric chair, she pleaded with her jailors to appeal the case, to no avail. The Capo was said to have been obtaining bank accounts and safe deposit boxes through deception, but forging documents that opened the accounts in the name of her “husband”. Although Police have still not released full details, it is thought that her one surviving relative, daughter VV_TG, was not involved. It is unknown what will now happen to W1tchy’s crime family, Lo Scoppio Grande, though rumours are there is at least one Made Man in the bunch that might be ready to take over the Denver operations. 'WEALTHY CITIZEN TAKEN FOR A RIDE: UPDATE ' By Angel-Islington Recently Gazette readers as well as anyone that has been walking about the streets of our fine cities, were made aware that the Grandson of the infamous Maddog; Frantic, had put his trust in me and asked me to hold the sum of $100 mil for him. This was given to me in two transactions. I am not the kind of person that would intentionally set out to rob someone but I saw the irony in my having this much of Frantic’s money. Given the actions of his Grandfather, namely extorting money from several people to the sum of some $25 million, the pull was too great. I thought that I would set about playing a joke on him and keeping his 100 mil, now what started out as a joke escalated, I was taken seriously and not only was I threatened but so was the lives of several of my friends. My family knowing his for so long, it was obvious to me he wasn’t bluffing. I have seen him kill his own friends. He would have no problem killing mine. After two days of tense negotiations with the help of a team of mediators, I was able to secure myself a handsome figure and the rest has been returned to Frantic. The agreement also insured that Frantic would be prohibited from retaliating against anyone. The sum of money and the details of the agreement cannot be released, as we are both under contractual obligations. 'THE LADIES STEP TO THE PLATE ' By Sydney Blake We were all witness to the Great Bachelor Auction and some even participants. Now the Great Bachelorette Auction has take to the streets. The idea is the same raising money for charity by auctioning off a variety of lovely ladies to do they every bidding of their purchaser for one whole day. Ladies of the community are being asked to give up a small amount of their time to sign up and answer a short questioner if you wish to participate in this event. Jessepre_Rider and Lolo-Smith have already been seen at the registry desk for this event so ladies get down their and make those men pay for the good stuff. This is a limited opportunity for the guys, a woman to do your bidding all day long, cook, clean, feed you turnips while you receive a Brazilian bikini wax, whatever you wish! So Grab your wallets and Bid Bid Bid! 'PROHIBITION ' By Avenger January 16, 1920, when the Eighteenth Amendment has gone into effect, this effectively means be cannot legally run a bar that sells alcohol! But don’t worry, even though the sale of alcohol is now illegal, alcoholic drinks are still widely available at the local "speakeasies" and other underground drinking establishments. The Speakeasy has gained its name from the fact that a person has to "speak easy" and convince the doorman to let them in. His job was to keep out those who looked like they are a "DRY" agent that could be Police, Federal or Private Agents, but at least they have no forced-entry rights and can not break into any establishment if the doorman refuse's them entry, so it is advised to all gangster with a bar to now hire a good and trusted bouncer or two for your bars. I can also advise that if supplying your patrons is getting difficult then Large quantities of alcohol can be smuggled in from Canada, overland from Mexico and of course a little smuggling in from the ports are a good place to get your supplies as long as the dock workers are on the payroll. Another hot tip is about Whiskey, It is available by prescription from medical doctors. However the labels clearly warn's that it is "strictly for medicinal purposes" and any other uses were illegal, it is a good source to stock up your bar from. Its seems that it is now more important than ever that the families on our streets need to make sure that business's follow this simple rule " Hire a Bouncer " to monitor who is entering your establishments, It also may become a lucrative business to become a smuggler of the liquids we all need...? But I’ll leave that to you. 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' He says, “The word on the street is… MoneyPenny’s Mum still works for Robin Hood.” He says, “The word on the street is… Aphex was seen weeping over his grey, after realizing that Randle is far superior.” He says, “The word on the street is… Jimmeh was seen preening himself in the mirror.” He says, “The word on the street is… I’m not telling you…” He says, “The word on the street is… TieDomi recently got this message… YOU SUCK!” 'EDITORIAL ' A Letter From The Editor Dear Gazette Readers, So, the Conceptualists have disbanded… Quite a thing, most would agree. I know there will be some skeptics out there who will see this as something similar to the Mystery Men – Conceptualists shift, but I truly feel this might be a step in the right direction for our community. Having spoken at length with the current main men of this group, it is clear that the continued actions of some undesirables within the organization have marred their reputation beyond repair. See, I know a couple of members of this group very well, and they are good guys at heart, but there are some complete wasters within their ranks too, tolerated mostly due to their skills with a pistol. Acting as true leaders, the few I have spoken to will not be speaking out openly about their “colleagues” behavior, opting instead to try and put it behind them completely. Now, I’m not God, I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but I know one thing, if no-one ever gives anyone a chance to change, then they won’t. If the former members of this group aren’t allowed to try and rebuild their reputations, and prove to the community that they aren’t all bad, then the likelihood is they will just return to what they are used to, and the community as a whole will gain absolutely nothing. What I am trying to say to you, Gazette readers, is that this might just be the turning point where things can change for the better, if the community realizes it. We’ve got ASDA and The Concepts, TMS and NMO, all fighting, all the time. Not a single member of either side that was around to see the start of these epic conflicts is alive now, so it is basically bad blood being passed down from generation to generation. That is never going to end, unless ALL sides stand up and realize that it is getting them nowhere. Here’s hoping this world has some kind of future ahead of it, because the way it is going now, I don’t see one. John Milton, Editor 'LOVE, HATE, AND TURNIP GREENS ' By Shattered_Complexion ASDA hates the Conceptualists the Conceptualists hate ASDA and Neu Mafia Order. Neu Mafia Order hates the conceptualists and Tanzini’s. Tanzini’s hate spoiled turnips and turnips hate Magical Trevor! The chain goes on and on. Day by day families continue to shoot the hell out of one another and bodies pile up from all sides. What happened to the old saying only the strong survive? Apparently it’s Stamina not strength. Now I love a good war, hell who doesn’t? but save the drama for your Momma. Shoot each other and move the hell on. Constant whining and public bickering is not doing any good. Sure most of us want to sit back munch on popcorn and watch, and the added drama gives a good show but the problem here is you’re over milking it. It’s like a foreign film with the actress who doesn’t know when to stop crying! Now I personally think all leaders should be women. Clearly most of the leaders are men with the exception of one or two ladies. Women get in to a fight, scratch each other’s eyes out and move the hell on, but men. No you have to talk your trash and boost your egos before taking care of business. It’s all good and fun to watch but there is a point when you are just getting annoying and wearing things out. Bottom line GET ON WITH IT. Shoot each other or kiss and make up! 'RUMOUR HAS IT ' By Shattered_Complexion Well well Another day another topic. Apparently I am a bad bad person. Who has an evil plot to be biased against certain people. How can I be biased I hate everyone! Well not everyone there was this one fella by the name of Miquel that I spent a drunken night with in Vegas and there was a goat and whew…. Never mind getting a bit carried away there. Moving on now. Points being I say what I want don’t like it? Don’t read it simple. And if you insist on throwing your toys out of the pram over it, well do it in private it’s quite annoying really. Now we could talk about the recent execution but that simply bores me. No I have a new topic today Neu Mafia order or whatever the hell they choose to call themselves now. Rumour has it that they are once again trying to make a racket in the Mafia world. Although without the shortcuts which were taken care of by the gods it is unknown how they plan to make a stand it must really really suck to know that you won a war because of a mistake. But on to more recent things. The NMO were apparently responsible for the death of Saint_Thomas. Now VitoDaGawd… Yes DA and Gawd is spelt G-A-W-D, which only supports the illiteracy theory about them. He wears this kill proudly in his profile as if he actually did it. They kill one guy and suddenly they have become something of importance. The entire crew can’t string together a decent sentence let along Vito. It is also rumoured that the crew is consisted of an actually small number of people with multiple identities. We all know what happens when you do that. A very close friend whom I will call Tequila Sugar tells me that a Mr. Jimmy Hoffa has another Identity as well and has often used it for killing purposes. Now I have seen no proof of this but this is a Rumour column so hearsay is accepted. And I am sure the word Hearsay is most likely a bit complicated for those of NMO but I am sure a friend will tardslate I mean translate for them. What tricks will NMO pull from their asses this time around? It must be extremely aggravating having stick firmly lodged in your ass. NMO and their retired leader Vito are about as two faced as a one sided quarter. All that fuss about the conceptualists and then the phony failed peace attempts. Whatever will they do know? All their victories were achieved through cheats and shortcuts that are now eliminated. Meh well guess it will be back to Ebonics and cupcakes. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' By John Milton The Denver Rack 'n' Roll GAZETTE READERS ONLY! Come to the Rack 'n' Roll in denver for a free game of pool or a free drink at the bar. Open all hours! Cut this voucher out to claim! -Mr_Montana- Need Help Betting Trifecta -GAZETTE READERS, HALF PRICE BETTING GUIDE- If you need help betting trifecta mail Mr_Montana for details who will send you a betting guide for half price.